I have been feeling like I'm on one of those awful amusement park rides lately, that spin and also feel like a roller coaster all at once and it LOOKS fun and it's supposed to be fun, but it's rather terrifying and slightly nauseating instead. I've been thinking of ideas for blog posts and came back here and found a draft from almost exactly a year ago: March 2016. Its relevant, and I can update it, but first let me post the original draft, unedited, and then I'll add what I have
March 2016:
I used to be one of the most indecisive people on the planet*. Until one summer, someone asked me what I wanted for lunch. I replied, "I don't know, whatever everyone else wants." and she looked at me and said, "Fine. But if you don't like it, you don't get to complain about it and you'll eat whatever I get you." By not making decisions, and actively choosing to follow what "everyone else" wanted, I was actively choosing to face disappointment and willing to allow myself to be unhappy to make sure everyone else got what they wanted. I had the opportunity to use my own voice and say that I wanted a sandwich, and even what kind of sandwich I wanted! And I wasn't going to do it? What if I had been handed roast beef (ew) and mayo (double ew) and provolone cheese (please, don't!). I would have had to eat it, without complaint, because by choosing not to make a decision, I chose my own fate. I ordered a plain turkey and american cheese, on white. Emphasis on plain, please.
Since that day, I have worked endlessly to make decisions. I still need to collect all possible information before doing so, and carefully weigh my options, but I try to make decisions in a timely manner. After all, I only need to worry about myself, my life, and making sure I'm safe, happy, and comfortable. Or so I thought.
I'm now at a point where other people need to be involved in my bigger life decisions, and they ask me to be involved in theirs. Relationships do that, and when faced with life-altering possibilities, the waters can get muddy.
How do you ask someone, "I want to change my life. I want you involved in every aspect of my life, and I need to make this life-altering decision and I want you in it, but that means I need you to make a similar life-altering decision." Thankfully for me, I'm pretty confident in the options presented to me, and for me it's really not a decision at all. It just needs to be.
*Not scientifically proven.
March 2017:
Dear Year-Ago Me,
You've gotten pretty great at mutual decision-making and fearlessly entering conversations that you would never have thought to entertain 365 days ago. Part of this is being with a partner who you trust endlessly, who encourages you to chase your dreams (and may give a solid nudge in that direction) and wants you to feel comfortable standing on your own two feet beside him, and not feeling like you're being held back or forced to lead the way. I cannot, for the life of me, remember whatever "life altering decision" I was faced with a year ago but I can 100% tell you that you never needed to question how to ask this person to help you make a decision.
Fast forward (or rewind) to December 2016/January 2017.
I lost something those two months, or a mix of things. My drive, my motivation, my ability to reason, my happiness, my smile, my ability to focus, and a thousand other things - ultimately it felt like I lost myself. When I was down some terrifying rabbit hole, I relied on the aforementioned person to help me make some life-altering decisions and find my way to the surface. They all had a common theme: what is going to reduce my stress, give me something to look forward to, ease my mind, and make me happy? The answer wasn't easy.
In fact, the first answer, quitting school, gave me so much anxiety that I cried so hard I threw up. I couldn't just quit. I knew I needed a break but what would I tell people when they asked and what would I say when they asked what I wanted to do? Spoiler alert: It turns out that those things don't matter, only my happiness does.
Second, I needed to go against all of my morals and values and everything I have ever decided for myself. No one instilled these in me, they are just things I placed in my head as expectations and I had to dissolve them. I always said I wouldn't move in with a boyfriend. I would only move in with a fiancé or husband - and if it was a fiancé then it would only be when the wedding was right around the corner. Guess what? I didn't do this. And I also don't really care about those things anymore because again, I'm doing what makes me happy and I trust 100% in my decision. Since graduating high school, I have had two homes: college and home. AmeriCorps and home. Splitting my tome 50-50 between Wolfeboro and Hooksett for the past year. And truthfully, I want one place, with my dog and my boyfriend, that I can call HOME. No more splitting my time, energy, and belongings between two places. I officially changed my address this week and I move in tomorrow.
Third: the hardest move. I love where I work, and I love the people, but I realized as I was going through a process for a promotion that I actually didn't want that promotion. I didn't (don't?) want to grow into this role and I don't want the positions above it, and I don't want a leadership position in this role either. Some people stay and wait for opportunities in other departments but I felt like in my situation, what was best for me and the students I serve would be to make a decision to leave and have students work with an advisor that truly wanted to put their heart into the school. I didn't have that spark anymore and I knew it wasn't coming back. I looked at what I love about this role and what I do, and what I have loved about past jobs, and decided to find one that had everything on my wishlist. I was expecting the process to take much longer but it was only a few short weeks and I got lucky enough to be offered exactly what I wanted.
In the midst of all of this, I have been on that awful roller coaster ride making decisions left and right and this is the first time I've let myself think about each one carefully. If you've read this far, thanks for walking through my thought process with me! Tomorrow is my last day at my current job and I start the next chapter on Monday. I'm excited and terrified and I have so much to do (like move this weekend!) but I finally feel like I have a grip on everything and I can find my bearings. This is not at all what I intended for this blog but uncovering the fact that I went through something big around the same time last year changed my direction.
If you take anything away from this, let it be the following:
-Find someone you trust to be your sounding board for big decisions
-If your heart isn't in it, ask your heart what it IS into. Follow that.
-Do what makes you happy
-It's okay to admit you're in the wrong place
-It's okay to ask for help
-Your idea of how things should be and how they are really won't always match.
March 2017:
Dear Year-Ago Me,
You've gotten pretty great at mutual decision-making and fearlessly entering conversations that you would never have thought to entertain 365 days ago. Part of this is being with a partner who you trust endlessly, who encourages you to chase your dreams (and may give a solid nudge in that direction) and wants you to feel comfortable standing on your own two feet beside him, and not feeling like you're being held back or forced to lead the way. I cannot, for the life of me, remember whatever "life altering decision" I was faced with a year ago but I can 100% tell you that you never needed to question how to ask this person to help you make a decision.
Fast forward (or rewind) to December 2016/January 2017.
I lost something those two months, or a mix of things. My drive, my motivation, my ability to reason, my happiness, my smile, my ability to focus, and a thousand other things - ultimately it felt like I lost myself. When I was down some terrifying rabbit hole, I relied on the aforementioned person to help me make some life-altering decisions and find my way to the surface. They all had a common theme: what is going to reduce my stress, give me something to look forward to, ease my mind, and make me happy? The answer wasn't easy.
In fact, the first answer, quitting school, gave me so much anxiety that I cried so hard I threw up. I couldn't just quit. I knew I needed a break but what would I tell people when they asked and what would I say when they asked what I wanted to do? Spoiler alert: It turns out that those things don't matter, only my happiness does.
Second, I needed to go against all of my morals and values and everything I have ever decided for myself. No one instilled these in me, they are just things I placed in my head as expectations and I had to dissolve them. I always said I wouldn't move in with a boyfriend. I would only move in with a fiancé or husband - and if it was a fiancé then it would only be when the wedding was right around the corner. Guess what? I didn't do this. And I also don't really care about those things anymore because again, I'm doing what makes me happy and I trust 100% in my decision. Since graduating high school, I have had two homes: college and home. AmeriCorps and home. Splitting my tome 50-50 between Wolfeboro and Hooksett for the past year. And truthfully, I want one place, with my dog and my boyfriend, that I can call HOME. No more splitting my time, energy, and belongings between two places. I officially changed my address this week and I move in tomorrow.
Third: the hardest move. I love where I work, and I love the people, but I realized as I was going through a process for a promotion that I actually didn't want that promotion. I didn't (don't?) want to grow into this role and I don't want the positions above it, and I don't want a leadership position in this role either. Some people stay and wait for opportunities in other departments but I felt like in my situation, what was best for me and the students I serve would be to make a decision to leave and have students work with an advisor that truly wanted to put their heart into the school. I didn't have that spark anymore and I knew it wasn't coming back. I looked at what I love about this role and what I do, and what I have loved about past jobs, and decided to find one that had everything on my wishlist. I was expecting the process to take much longer but it was only a few short weeks and I got lucky enough to be offered exactly what I wanted.
In the midst of all of this, I have been on that awful roller coaster ride making decisions left and right and this is the first time I've let myself think about each one carefully. If you've read this far, thanks for walking through my thought process with me! Tomorrow is my last day at my current job and I start the next chapter on Monday. I'm excited and terrified and I have so much to do (like move this weekend!) but I finally feel like I have a grip on everything and I can find my bearings. This is not at all what I intended for this blog but uncovering the fact that I went through something big around the same time last year changed my direction.
If you take anything away from this, let it be the following:
-Find someone you trust to be your sounding board for big decisions
-If your heart isn't in it, ask your heart what it IS into. Follow that.
-Do what makes you happy
-It's okay to admit you're in the wrong place
-It's okay to ask for help
-Your idea of how things should be and how they are really won't always match.
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