On Letting Go (or not)

A few months ago, I was introduced to a concept that stuck with me. Wait, I'm not sure that "introduced" is the correct word - it is something that I was aware of, but had never given a name to. It is the idea of sitting with pain.

I'm talking about emotional pain here, which yes, can surface in physical ways, but that's an entirely different conversation. Maybe next time. Anyway, when we are in [emotional] pain, whether it be loss, grief, sadness, anxiety, or anything that places discomfort in our hearts, our first instinct is to move. Move out of the space of pain. Go shopping (retail therapy), go for a run (fire up those endorphines), self-medicate with drugs/alcohol, fill your calendar so you have no time to slow down.. whatever your vice(s) of choice may be. Everyone is different, but most people I know can agree that it is easy to cover up the emotional pain but trying to bury it underneath a lot of things that seem good at the time. 

I have learned, however, over my years and through recent experiences, that you can not just leave this pain behind by getting up and moving. You can not abandon something that has manifested itself in your heart. You carry your heart with you day in and day out and through everything you do, and this heart, no matter how sad, hurt, betrayed, confused, happy, excited it may feel is going to follow you through your day without asking if you would like it to join you. This is called being alive, and life is messy and beautiful and sometimes painful. 

When we cannot abandon our feelings, we have to learn to sit with them. I have been practicing this through meditation, and I am so grateful that I started this months ago because I need it now more than ever. When I feel emotional pain, I sit. I roll out my yoga mat or sit on the floor or wherever I feel the most grounded, sit up nice and tall folding my legs crossed in front of me, take in a big deep breath and as I let it out, I recognize how I feel in that moment with as little judgement as possible (ex: "I feel sad." but not "I feel sad; that's not good."). This also applies to when I feel angry, anxious, confused, or any sort of emotional stress. And quite truthfully, I do this practice when I feel incredible and happy and excited, but meditation is a lot easier at those times and again, that's an entirely different conversation for another day. Anyway, after that initial breath of acknowledgement comes more breathing. With my next breath, I create space for my heart to feel without being restricted. Then, I ask myself why I feel how I do. And I breathe with every question and with very answer I create more space for my heart and mind to align. And when all is done, I sit. And I allow myself to feel every feeling and remove all barriers of my mind and my heart that might doubt why I feel how I do. I don't ask myself for doubt, or for excuses, or for a way out. I ask myself to take 5-10 minutes and give permission for myself to feel with complete surrender. 

We can be our own worst critics: "You shouldn't do this" "You shouldn't do that" "You could have done better" "What if you had done that one thing differently that one time" ... No. Enough with all of that bullshit. This is what has happened, and this is how you feel about it, and you have every right to feel how you do in any given moment, so do not let your mind try to talk you out of emotions. I'm not saying start making irrational decisions or portraying your emotions onto someone else, or saying words today which you may regret tomorrow, but take a few minutes to sit with that pain, identify the true feeling, acknowledge it, and breathe. 

Because when we can not let it go, we must let it be.

Making Mutual Decisions

I have been feeling like I'm on one of those awful amusement park rides lately, that spin and also feel like a roller coaster all at once and it LOOKS fun and it's supposed to be fun, but it's rather terrifying and slightly nauseating instead. I've been thinking of ideas for blog posts and came back here and found a draft from almost exactly a year ago: March 2016. Its relevant, and I can update it, but first let me post the original draft, unedited, and then I'll add what I have

March 2016:

I used to be one of the most indecisive people on the planet*. Until one summer, someone asked me what I wanted for lunch. I replied, "I don't know, whatever everyone else wants." and she looked at me and said, "Fine. But if you don't like it, you don't get to complain about it and you'll eat whatever I get you." By not making decisions, and actively choosing to follow what "everyone else" wanted, I was actively choosing to face disappointment and willing to allow myself to be unhappy to make sure everyone else got what they wanted. I had the opportunity to use my own voice and say that I wanted a sandwich, and even what kind of sandwich I wanted! And I wasn't going to do it? What if I had been handed roast beef (ew) and mayo (double ew) and provolone cheese (please, don't!). I would have had to eat it, without complaint, because by choosing not to make a decision, I chose my own fate. I ordered a plain turkey and american cheese, on white. Emphasis on plain, please. 

Since that day, I have worked endlessly to make decisions. I still need to collect all possible information before doing so, and carefully weigh my options, but I try to make decisions in a timely manner. After all, I only need to worry about myself, my life, and making sure I'm safe, happy, and comfortable. Or so I thought.

I'm now at a point where other people need to be involved in my bigger life decisions, and they ask me to be involved in theirs. Relationships do that, and when faced with life-altering possibilities, the waters can get muddy. 

How do you ask someone, "I want to change my life. I want you involved in every aspect of my life, and I need to make this life-altering decision and I want you in it, but that means I need you to make a similar life-altering decision." Thankfully for me, I'm pretty confident in the options presented to me, and for me it's really not a decision at all. It just needs to be. 

*Not scientifically proven.

March 2017:

Dear Year-Ago Me,

You've gotten pretty great at mutual decision-making and fearlessly entering conversations that you would never have thought to entertain 365 days ago. Part of this is being with a partner who you trust endlessly, who encourages you to chase your dreams (and may give a solid nudge in that direction) and wants you to feel comfortable standing on your own two feet beside him, and not feeling like you're being held back or forced to lead the way. I cannot, for the life of me, remember whatever "life altering decision" I was faced with a year ago but I can 100% tell you that you never needed to question how to ask this person to help you make a decision. 

Fast forward (or rewind) to December 2016/January 2017.

I lost something those two months, or a mix of things. My drive, my motivation, my ability to reason, my happiness, my smile, my ability to focus, and a thousand other things -  ultimately it felt like I lost myself. When I was down some terrifying rabbit hole, I relied on the aforementioned person to help me make some life-altering decisions and find my way to the surface. They all had a common theme: what is going to reduce my stress, give me something to look forward to, ease my mind, and make me happy? The answer wasn't easy.

In fact, the first answer, quitting school, gave me so much anxiety that I cried so hard I threw up. I couldn't just quit. I knew I needed a break but what would I tell people when they asked and what would I say when they asked what I wanted to do? Spoiler alert: It turns out that those things don't matter, only my happiness does.

Second, I needed to go against all of my morals and values and everything I have ever decided for myself. No one instilled these in me, they are just things I placed in my head as expectations and I had to dissolve them. I always said I wouldn't move in with a boyfriend. I would only move in with a fiancé or husband - and if it was a fiancé then it would only be when the wedding was right around the corner. Guess what? I didn't do this. And I also don't really care about those things anymore because again, I'm doing what makes me happy and I trust 100% in my decision. Since graduating high school, I have had two homes: college and home. AmeriCorps and home. Splitting my tome 50-50 between Wolfeboro and Hooksett for the past year. And truthfully, I want one place, with my dog and my boyfriend, that I can call HOME. No more splitting my time, energy, and belongings between two places. I officially changed my address this week and I move in tomorrow. 

Third: the hardest move. I love where I work, and I love the people, but I realized as I was going through a process for a promotion that I actually didn't want that promotion. I didn't (don't?) want to grow into this role and I don't want the positions above it, and I don't want a leadership position in this role either. Some people stay and wait for opportunities in other departments but I felt like in my situation, what was best for me and the students I serve would be to make a decision to leave and have students work with an advisor that truly wanted to put their heart into the school. I didn't have that spark anymore and I knew it wasn't coming back. I looked at what I love about this role and what I do, and what I have loved about past jobs, and decided to find one that had everything on my wishlist. I was expecting the process to take much longer but it was only a few short weeks and I got lucky enough to be offered exactly what I wanted. 

In the midst of all of this, I have been on that awful roller coaster ride making decisions left and right and this is the first time I've let myself think about each one carefully. If you've read this far, thanks for walking through my thought process with me! Tomorrow is my last day at my current job and I start the next chapter on Monday. I'm excited and terrified and I have so much to do (like move this weekend!) but I finally feel like I have a grip on everything and I can find my bearings. This is not at all what I intended for this blog but uncovering the fact that I went through something big around the same time last year changed my direction. 

If you take anything away from this, let it be the following:
-Find someone you trust to be your sounding board for big decisions
-If your heart isn't in it, ask your heart what it IS into. Follow that.
-Do what makes you happy
-It's okay to admit you're in the wrong place
-It's okay to ask for help
-Your idea of how things should be and how they are really won't always match.